Nothing can be more distressing for a child than to experience the separation of his or her parents. Children are unable to understand the reasons for their parents’ divorce and may feel that they are somehow responsible for it, especially if the disagreement between parents concerns children.
How children react to the situation depend upon their ages, temperaments and the circumstances surrounding the event. A very natural response in children would be sudden reclusive behavior coupled with spells of anxiety, anger, frustration, sadness and confusion. In teens, this may manifest itself in bad behavior towards one or both parents.
Parents should try to make the situation easy for their kids. As a parent, you must try to minimize stress and tension and plan things in advance, including what and how much to tell your children, anticipate their feelings and questions, and prepare answers for them.
While talking to your kids, give lots of love and reassurance because affable bonding at this stage with your children will provide them with the much needed emotional and mental strength to face the unpleasant circumstances.
The first condition when talking to your kids is to give honest answers. The second one is to remain calm and peaceful, both with your kids and your ex. Being prepared, honest, transparent and patient in addressing your children’s concerns clears away the confusion, anxiety and frustration that your children may be facing.
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Talking to your kids about divorce: a difficult moment
Facing the moment when it finally arrives can be stressful for any parent. You will have to gulp down and disguise all the fear, anxiety, pain and feelings of void in order to be empathetic to your children. Whatever is the cause of the separation, try to give a simple, honest and straight answer to your kids. Refrain from divulging too many details to younger children, whereas, since grown-ups or teenage children might already be somewhat in the loop, you may give them a more mature explanation.
Remember to add lots of love and affection to your conversation and make it absolutely clear that the kids are still loved by both mom and dad. Ensure that they understand that they are not responsible for such a turn of events in any way. In the process, make them acknowledge that there will be some changes in their lives in terms of living arrangements, school and schedule for other activities. Don’t go overboard with too many details. It will only pressurize them more. Assure that you will all try to adapt to the newer changes in life post-separation. Be respectful of your spouse and avoid any critical remarks that project him or her in a negative light, as you talk about your divorce with your children.
Helping your children wade through the tough time
Children feel a sense of void and uncertainty when their little minds think, “What will my life be after dad or mum no longer stays with me?” This can cause them to experience an extreme feeling of loss. Your participation plays a very important role in encouraging your children to express their feelings, thoughts and speak up about other concerns that may be bothering them. They may be hesitant or reluctant to let you know what they feel, but pep them up to pry out their inner feelings. Don’t expect them to behave in this difficult situation, aid them in expressing their anger, feelings and thoughts.
Your child may show or express some concerns; try to resolve these in an honest and loving way. Unresolved feelings hamper emotional well-being of a person and have a long lasting effect, even in adult life.
You may not be able to answer all their queries, but it is important that you maintain your calm and not get irritated. Respond to them by saying, ‘I don’t know but I’ll surely find out and we’ll make a way together for it’. With this, you would also be able to instill trust in your child, as he realizes that you do understand and acknowledge his feelings. Supplement your words with a gesture of physical proximity (warm embrace or pats around the shoulder) to express your abundant love for him.
Sticking to their daily routines helps children retain a sense of stability and comfort; therefore, try to keep children to follow their routines even during these times. Though this might sound like a difficult task, especially when kids feel annoyed because of the disruption in the normalcy in their lives. Gradually, the children should be adjusted to the bigger changes. Routines should not be too rigid. They should be incorporated to inculcate a sense of security and organization in children so that each task/ activity in the day progresses in a manner that puts them at ease.
Work towards keeping your children’s needs always a first priority. While handling legal decisions regarding custody of your children, different adjustments would have to be made regarding living arrangements. On holidays, birthdays, festival time, vacations and many more occasions, you will have to take out time to attend the occasions as a family. Sometimes, you may find your child insisting to stay with the non-custodial parent at times. Don’t take this to be against you; allow the children to explore and connect with the other parent, as and when they desire.
Prepare Yourself for the Process
Before you plunge in to combat the challenges accompanying a painful event like divorce or separation, its’ important, you first ensure your own well being and outlook. The more composed the parents are, the easier it is for the children to deal with such a situation. Scribble down your resentments, thoughts, feelings, apprehensions and anger in a diary, from which you can look back to analyze and figure out the reasons that have lead to the outburst and thus to deal with them effectively.
Exercise, as it helps in reducing stress and helping you shed off the pent-up emotions. A good friend or support may be very helpful for you to reorganize your emotional thoughts. For long, you might be suppressing or containing all your emotions within yourself. Try to vent them out in a constructive way. Give yourself time to heal, adapt and reflect. Seek help, try not o become a recluse. Seek professional help, if the need be, from a family therapist who can help you cope through those feelings in a better way. |
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