For a couple, nothing can churn out a whirlwind of dampened emotions than losing their baby because of a Miscarriage. In this article, we discuss how Miscarriage affects a man and a woman and how you can cope with it in a better way.
Miscarriage: the way it affects a woman
The loss of a baby can leave an expectant mum extremely disillusioned. Initially, on seeing other pregnant women, she may start feeling envious of the fact that unlike them, she would not be able to experience the joy of being a proud mum. Grief and sorrow will be accompanied with feelings of discouragement, anger, guilt, fatigue; voids that may make her feel ‘a failure’. These feelings are inevitable and they usually subside with time.
But those women who have experienced Miscarriage in their earlier pregnancies (recurrent miscarriage) as well are at greater risk of developing major depression. Strong feelings of worthlessness, persistent suicidal thoughts, insomnia, increased anxiety or abnormal fear, can manifest in severe form of clinical depression that requires medical referral.
Miscarriage: the way it affects a man
A sudden heap of emotions may surface up in your quest to know - why it happened to you. Yes, although you may try putting up a brave front for the sake of your partner, but you cannot remain unperturbed with your own hidden emotional surge. There may be feelings of anger, frustration, grief and shock at the same time. A sense of guilt and failure may crop up for not being able to avert such a happening. You may start feeling anxious over your partner’s emotional and physical framework, fate of future pregnancy and may even look ahead towards planning one. There may be an urgent desire to shift back things to normal, at times, even expecting the same from her end.
Miscarriage: relations with your spouse
Many people felt that coping ‘together’ with grief and sorrow in a situation such as Miscarriage has actually strengthened the bond between them even further. However, this may happen only when you are able to relate to your partner’s feelings and are in sync in the process. Many couples start blaming each other. It is important that both partners are able to recover from the event in good time so that the one who is unable to recover doesn’t end up causing his/her partner from going back into depression.
However, it’s not such a smooth course for every couple. Every individual reacts differently to a particular situation; mishap and sorrow are no exceptions. On the one end, men tend to recover quickly but a certain degree of irritability or anger remains internally which they may go on suppressing. On the other, the wife would be extremely saddened with the loss of the, ‘once life’ inside her, she might take more time to recover and may fall into depression again and again whenever she encounters a “trigger”.
Men and women also express themselves differently; this may create friction in your relations with your spouse. Women may start crying or bickering or frequently throwing tantrums. This might be irritating and frustrating to the male partner.
Physical relations between couples may take a backseat as the woman needs time to heal, both mentally and physically. The loss of a baby can make a woman feel disinterested in sex. She might even fear and possibly associate another untoward incidence (miscarriage) with pregnancy. Also, it may so happen that a woman has less affinity towards an affectionate move (making love) and she may feel that her partner is selfish, giving preference only to his own needs. This may further give rise to guilt within a man who is himself coping with the grief.
Helping your partner cope
Communicate effectively
Loving and supporting your wife will aid her in expressing her pent up emotions to you; this immediately will work as a stress-buster. Moreover, she will feel that she is not alone. In the process, you may even discover that talking to your wife also helps you. Thus, it makes the whole process of transition smoother.
The key here is to be mature enough to refrain from insensitive remarks that work in the opposite way. Remember that for a mum-to-be, every baby is precious and she treasures the experience of pregnancy as something very special, whenever it happens.
Keep yourselves busy
It’s a good idea to keep yourselves increasingly occupied with work. This makes depressive thoughts passive rather than keeping them alive and active. This surely doesn’t mean that your partner starts feeling neglected or sidelined.
Change your scenery and experience
Spend some time off from each other. This will help you clear your feelings and thoughts and prepare for the future.
If people or places remind you of the event, a change of scenery and topic is a good idea. Go for a brief vacation. Pick up an activity or a hobby which you both wanted to pursue for long but didn’t have the time to. Remember, this is the old trick we used with our children, but might have forgotten to use it in our own lives. This helps in diverting your attention from the turmoil and also allows you to spend some quality time with your partner.
Seek peer support or professional help
In extreme cases, if you feel that no matter how hard you try, your attempts just don’t seem to make your partner cope with the loss, seek professional help. Also, you can confide in a trust-worthy friend or elder and seek his/her support and advice. This can give you the energy to help your partner cope with the loss as well.
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